Happy Anniversary 8/1/04

I'm glad to say that Three got home safely last night, driving through rain (riding with a friend), after his three-week stint as an assistant camp counselor. He looked thinner and taller and beautiful, and he stayed for about ten minutes before heading out with his "home" friends. I am so glad that he continues to go to camp in the summer, getting out of this city, at least for a little while. It's a wonderful camp, associated with the YMCA, a huge gift, given the nature of this pressure-cooker that is our home. One is also on the way, driving in from another direction. I pray that God is with him as he travels, and I'm watching the weather as he weaves his way in and out of storms. I'm happy that all three boys will be home tonight. It's been a while. I have no idea if anyone but me knows that their father and I got married twenty-three years ago today, and I wish there was some way to avoid the subject altogether. I suspect that Dad has figured it out, because we watched ABC News this morning and "anniversary" was repeatedly mentioned relative to the Edwards celebrating their 27th, the day after the convention. I almost saw his well-contained "Ahah!" moment. So far he's not speaking. We don't speak much, really, even when we should. We've been asked, this weekend, by one of our associates, to please communicate with each other. I have been waiting since yesterday morning for his input regarding my revisions to a client letter I'm writing and editing for the associate, who is representing our product to a major national packaged goods company (think VERY BIG BRAND). Now, this associate is as flaky as it gets, having been brain-injured a few years back, and has *some nerve* suggesting *we* communicate better, when I am writing letters for him because his babble makes mine look cohesive, but, sitll.... he may have a little point. I'm sure, before today is over, "the boss" will let me know what additional changes he wants me to make in the letter. I think it might be best to ignore this anniversary. I don't want to be negative, but I cannot pretend. Happy Anniversary? That feels like a lie. I'm grateful that our sons will be home, but I'm really scared about how insecure our situation has become, or has always been. I want a job, but am afraid to leave him alone everyday with our business, because every time I do, something terrible happens. This is the perfect moment for One to be coming home. It would be the perfect moment for him to really come home, and work with us. As it stands now, he's registered to take a full load away at college this coming semester, and he's made all of his living arrangements. Still, his presence, working everyday, would make a big difference to us now, although he would be an explosive addition to an already volatile dynamic. Maybe it would be good, to shake things up a bit. Maybe I could slip out the back, so to speak, while he and Dad are dueling, and find other work to pay the bills, or at least make some pots to sell. Fresh troops, or reinforcements (at least one), so to speak. Happy Anniversary. We went to pre-marital counseling, mandated by his church, which has since become my church, then not, again. We talked in depth, in small and large groups about the meaning of marriage, and what was important and what was not. He said all the right things, and so did I. I believed what I was saying. I remember how smart about relationships I thought I was. I believed that love was a choice and that, with commitment and determination and kindness, I could make anything work. I was wrong. I have received his chages to the letter via email, from downstairs. _______________________________________________________________________________ I sent a message to a friend from another forum, informing him of my blog. When I started this blog, it was to discuss the difficult things I couldn't talk about in real life, or in any internet forum in which I was participating. I haven't really done that, and have a large number of entries that have been saved in draft because they are too personal, and too negative to publish. I don't want to speak ill of my husband, but to go through life pretending like he is normal, is deceptive. In response to my invitation, I got a note back from my friend, in which he mentioned admiration for my energy in doing this. It's really quite the other way around. This is such a relief. It takes far more energy to hold this stuff in and hide it, than it does to just let it out.