Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Tne Clanging Gongs 11/10/05

I have known so many people in my life whose instinctive response in any difficult situation is to become hysterical, the loudest center of the universe, rendering the difficulty, whatever it may be, suddenly and completely, all about them. It seems that the women I know who do this, my mother and one sister, and the men, my dear husband (with whom I completed the cohabitation phase of the marriage, one year ago, this week) do it differently. The females tend to become victims, be pitiful, yet still attack, blaming others for their own mistakes and whining to anyone who dares to listen about how terrible everyone is to them. The men, or man, in this instance, becomes enraged and attacks, preemtively. It has taken me a very long time to understand that this behavior, no matter what it might be called, is abusive, and that, under no circumstances can it be considered love. They can say they love until they turn blue, but, as long as they behave that way, they do not.

Now, I was raised an Episcopalian and converted to Catholicism during my second pregnancy (it must have been the hormones), although I have since "fallen away" (honestly, it was more like being pushed), so I'm not much for quoting scripture, leaving that to the "Fundies" but I don't think anyone has ever defined love any better than dear St. Paul (what a character he was!) did it in his first letter to the Corinthians when he said:

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things..."

Now, it has taken me a fairly long life, a very bad marriage and tens of thousands of dollars worth of counseling to finally, totally "get" this, and I am so very grateful, that as a result of all of this, my three sons seem to "get" it too, and consistently interact lovingly. My oldest called me this morning, standing in Times Square after driving all night from North Carolina in a rented van with his University Ad Club buddies, awestruck by New York City. He is so excited about the work, a conference and agency tour; and the play, a David Letterman taping this evening (airing either tonight or tomorrow - look for the cutie who resembles Matt Damon). I am so pleased, so filled with love, with and for the young man he has become.

And what is there to do with the clanging gongs? I will remember St. Paul's wise words, and try to walk the walk, never forgetting that, in interpersonal relationships, if anybody wins, everybody loses, because love is not just some feeling one has inside, but a pattern of behavior, defined by loving interaction, and that without loving interaction it isn't love.

 

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